Pregnancy Journal: Week 5

I thought it would be a good idea to journal this time (took me long enough to finally do this) each week along with the progress of my body. I've tried taking pictures of myself and I just hate the way they look but what the heck, like I'm really trying to impress any of you ladies ; ) It'll be neat, if for no one else but myself, to look back on later.
Something wonderful started today (ok...give or take a day); my baby's heart started beating. What started as two individual cells came together and have been busy growing and changing and now have formed a tiny little "shrimp" with a beating heart. This little one is approx. 0.05 of an inch and has a distinct head though most of the body is composed of the heart right now. The central nervous system begins to develop and my baby's brain and spinal cord start to form. The heart is beating my baby's own blood through tiny little blood vessels. The beginning of eyes and ears can be seen on the sides of the head and liver and kidneys are developing. Muscle and bone are also in the early stages of development.

The first symptom I had was out of no where weepiness. Twice in one day, something so benign brought me to tears. Without even seeing my chart I knew; implantation must have happened. Sure enough, a few days later, implantation was very clear on my chart. I started having symptoms the day after. My patience is starting to get shorter and my fatigue is worse than it has been in a while. I feel like a zombie. Nausea has started but it is brief and does not last long. I did come close to puking this morning while emptying the garbage. If I throw up, that is a great sign. I have only thrown up with two babies; Grace and Joshua. Who knew one could so look forward to tossing up their innereds all day long?
I went to the hospital today and got on Medicaid and Head Start (whatever that is). My first doctors appt. is next Wednesday. I had hoped to be able to get in this week (tomorrow would have been wonderful) but oh well. I just have to remember that there is nothing I can do to sustain this little one. If we are supposed to keep him/her we will no matter when I go to the doctor. All I can do is just take care of myself.
So here I am; tired and stuffed from a not-so-great dinner. I'm off to bed my friends. Check back next week to see how much more worse I get ; ) I can't believe how much I've already popped out!

A New Step In My Life

For years, I have been my mother's little helper (assistant) with her photography and I have also been her model. She has been photographing me since I was little all the way to my bridal portraits and now my children and family. It is now my turn to test the waters to see what my talent in this area is. So, my research and building has started. It is a slow process and I am having to borrow and make-shift things right now, but in the end I have gotten some beautiful pictures. I am looking forward to moving beyond just my children and into working with other people (though my children will always be my favorites) and pushing my comfort zones and seeing what I can come up with.

I will always have a passion for itty bitties. Newborns and infants by far are my favorite subjects but as my daughter steps into the toddler years, I am finding the joy in capturing her in the moment.

I also want to explore pregnant portraits. I want to do anything from shots out in nature all the way to nude black and whites. My mother actually did this at the end of my pregnancy with my daughter. It was a first for us both so most did not turn out well, but I did get a handful of priceless shots and it was a great learning experience.

An idea that grabbed my interest is nude shots of married couples. I at first wanted to focus on newly weds, to capture that glow and excitement, but I also think seasoned couples could really gain a lot personally from this moment together and to show the joy and excitement ALL through marriage.

So, my brain is teeming with ideas faster than I can keep up with. I'm going to have to find ways of being creative with backgrounds/back drops until I can actually buy equipment. Baby steps, though steps never-the-less.

Here are some pictures I took over the holidays.

My First Experience...

I went to a Pregnancy Test Center (part of the Save-A-Life East program) today. I need to get on Medicaid and to do so I had to have a certified statement of pregnancy and due date. To go to the doc-in-a-box was going to cost $30 just for the test. If it came back positive, there was a mandatory doctor visit of only....wait for it....$103 bucks on top of the pregnancy test! What the crap?!?!? I need Medicaid people! If I had that kind of money....well I called the Pregnancy Test Center and they got me right in and it was not at all like the "horror" stories I've heard told by pro-choicers. From the first phone conversation to the time I left, the women were fantastic. I told them I was not interested in seeing any anti-abortion video and they respected that. I did go back with the counselor and in our meeting I got to talk with her about my passion in this area. For the first time, I got to see in person those tiny models of fetal development from 7-12 weeks then a second trimester baby and a third trimester. Grace even played with the babies and was excited to see the little bitties. As I sat there holding these tiny babies, the reason for my passion against abortion was deepened. This 12 week old baby, fit perfectly in the palm of my hand and was fully developed. So many pro-choicers would see this little one and still support a woman's right to kill that baby. The 8 week old baby was the size of my thumb pad. I have known this for a long time but to hold it in my hand and to see those tiny little feet and little face and know that babies like this are killed daily made my heart heavy. I talked with the counselor for a long time. I have a lot of personal growing I still need to do before, but one day I want to do what she does. She shared the truth of life before birth, shared the love of Jesus with me and my whole was just amazing and a surprise. Had I been a scared girl/woman unsure of what to do, no doubt I would have felt the love and compassion that these two ladies had to give. The love of Christ is what we are called to share with the world. It was a wonderful time and another time to learn and grow.

Baby Number 9!!!

I was going to try and wait until the morning but my curiosity and anxiousness got the better of me. I am only 9 DPO so to get a positive HPT is a shock but sure enough, as soon as I peed and wiped, there was a clear-as-day pink line to confirm what I already new was probable. I have had two days where I have just wanted to cry about the most benign things. That was when it really kicked in that I probably was. My chart showed a temperature shift which probably indicated implantation. It was really early though; 2 DPO. From what I have read though, the earlier the better. My weepies started the next day. Now begins the task of getting medical coverage for myself. I don't have the urgency this time around that I have had before but I need to go ahead and get on the ball with this no matter how I feel. Lots of hoping and praying for a healthy baby but right now, no fear, just peace.

The Inspiration For My Life

I have grown up in these gardens and have many fond memories. I even wanted to get married out there had conditions been more favorable. Never-the-less, my memories continue and now my children get to grow up in the same place. I hope to be able to instill a love for nature and an appreciation for all that God has given us great and small.

I modeled for many pictures here for my mom and even another random photographer took pictures of me while we were out there once. These gardens have set the background for not only many, many pictures but also for my life. The peaceful nature surrounding me in the flesh is what I strive for in my spirit. It is this same peace that I try and capture in my pictures that I now take of my children.

Giving To His Children

Grace has her first favorite show; Elmo's World. We know this because she asks for it all of the time. John and I had been tossing around the idea of getting her a little Elmo but because of $$$ not coming in, we just haven't spent much money other than an occasional treat and the necessities. Joshua loves one of Grace's stuffed animals. It is a pink, soft, floppy "puppy D". He just grins and giggles when I toss it on him and ruffle it on his face and neck. So, while in Wal-Mart last night, I left John and Grace and took off to the toys to see if I could find a stuffed animal similar to Grace's "puppy D" (she loves it too and doesn't share it for long). Just as I'm looking at the Elmos that I know we really can't get Grace right now, John walks over with her. Elmo is blowing all kinds of kisses and her eyes are fixed and all lite up. My heart dropped to my stomach and us walking off was so hard for me knowing that she really wanted Elmo (she never threw a fit or even a whimper but that look of disappointment filled her little eyes). John looked at me and I him and we both knew that we just had to get it. I left the decision up to him and he gave the ok. Walking over and getting that Elmo (I got the one that blows kisses because Grace LOVES to kiss everything she likes....even my toes!) filled my heart with so much joy and then handing it to her and seeing her face light up and then her near non-stop kisses was all I needed to turn my heavy heart into a heart of joy. That thing was covered in slobber from all the kisses she gave him by the time we got home.

As we walked to the car, I felt God tugging at my heart again. My heart has been so heavy due to the job situation (well...lack thereof in this case) that we are in. We have wanted and wanted for so many years (7) now for John to have a teaching job and yet the doors close time and time again. All I can do is ask why over and over again. Scripture calls us God's children. So, it is natural for God to use how we feel for, love and see our children in comparison to how He feels toward us and how He sees and loves us. If what we experience in our hearts for our children is only a grain of sand in comparison to Him for us then....I am left speechless. So, if I love so much to give good things to my children and I take such delight in seeing them happy then how much more-so does God? But, there are times I have to tell (Grace for now) no and then other times, not right now. I don't like to, but she (and as Joshua gets older) can't have everything that is wanted or we will end up with a spoiled brat to deal with. On the same page, God has to tell us no sometimes or not yet. It is not easy being that child who wants something so much but has to leave the "store" empty handed. But, as Grace didn't throw a fit neither can I. I may not understand, just like she can't understand the reasons, but I have to obey and know that He still loves me (and us) and has His plan in place. I don't know if God has said no or just not yet, but either way it is still so so hard. But, just as I take joy in seeing my children happy, so does God. He will never do anything to cause us harm. He has our best interest in mind.

The Need To Be Crushed

I was sitting outside today working in my garden. I picked another cucumber with much pride and joy. I then went to check on my basil. I plucked off one of the dried flowers and gave it a squeeze. Out popped several tiny seeds. I gathered a few and then took them into my husband to show off a great success. Not only had I managed to successfully grow my basil but also to propagate it for a new crop. Back out to the porch I went. Sitting with my handful of dried brittle flowers I began to crush each tiny flower to extract the 4-5 seeds nestled in each one. The wind is picking up and the hummingbirds buzzing and peeping overhead at the feeder are pretty much the only sounds. I enjoy this little bit of peace and quite. Then, while I'm harvesting my seeds the question returned to my mind; why does such a good God let people go through such horrible things? It really can not be answered by one answer but I held in my hand a visual of one of the reasons. We need to be crushed from time to time to bring forth our fruits. I would never be able to get the seeds out if I didn't crush the dried flowers. We come to places in our lives where we become dry and seemingly useless. But, God takes our tiny, fragile lives in His hands and begins to crush us. How painful the process is and how much we complain but in the end we have produced fruit that God can then plant and grow. I have had some crushing times in my life; some unavoidable some totally by my doing. For example, the miscarriages that I have gone through have been excruciating and how I fought and even cursed God for the pain that He kept allowing me to go through. But now, God has taken that in my life and has used it to plant new life into others. Seeing the seeds of my pain bring new life to others now brings me so much joy. Satan seeks to kill anything of good though. The crushing times that I have gone through due to my sin God does use to bring about good. Those seeds are wisdom that I have gained through my failings. However, Satan is right there to try and dig up those seeds as quickly as he can. It is painful to see my seeds killed. But, never-the-less some are sown on fertile ground and those make it all worth while.

So, next time you find yourself in a painful and trying situation, just try and see what God is trying to squeeze out of you. The reward in the end is well worth it.