Giving To His Children

Grace has her first favorite show; Elmo's World. We know this because she asks for it all of the time. John and I had been tossing around the idea of getting her a little Elmo but because of $$$ not coming in, we just haven't spent much money other than an occasional treat and the necessities. Joshua loves one of Grace's stuffed animals. It is a pink, soft, floppy "puppy D". He just grins and giggles when I toss it on him and ruffle it on his face and neck. So, while in Wal-Mart last night, I left John and Grace and took off to the toys to see if I could find a stuffed animal similar to Grace's "puppy D" (she loves it too and doesn't share it for long). Just as I'm looking at the Elmos that I know we really can't get Grace right now, John walks over with her. Elmo is blowing all kinds of kisses and her eyes are fixed and all lite up. My heart dropped to my stomach and us walking off was so hard for me knowing that she really wanted Elmo (she never threw a fit or even a whimper but that look of disappointment filled her little eyes). John looked at me and I him and we both knew that we just had to get it. I left the decision up to him and he gave the ok. Walking over and getting that Elmo (I got the one that blows kisses because Grace LOVES to kiss everything she likes....even my toes!) filled my heart with so much joy and then handing it to her and seeing her face light up and then her near non-stop kisses was all I needed to turn my heavy heart into a heart of joy. That thing was covered in slobber from all the kisses she gave him by the time we got home.

As we walked to the car, I felt God tugging at my heart again. My heart has been so heavy due to the job situation (well...lack thereof in this case) that we are in. We have wanted and wanted for so many years (7) now for John to have a teaching job and yet the doors close time and time again. All I can do is ask why over and over again. Scripture calls us God's children. So, it is natural for God to use how we feel for, love and see our children in comparison to how He feels toward us and how He sees and loves us. If what we experience in our hearts for our children is only a grain of sand in comparison to Him for us then....I am left speechless. So, if I love so much to give good things to my children and I take such delight in seeing them happy then how much more-so does God? But, there are times I have to tell (Grace for now) no and then other times, not right now. I don't like to, but she (and as Joshua gets older) can't have everything that is wanted or we will end up with a spoiled brat to deal with. On the same page, God has to tell us no sometimes or not yet. It is not easy being that child who wants something so much but has to leave the "store" empty handed. But, as Grace didn't throw a fit neither can I. I may not understand, just like she can't understand the reasons, but I have to obey and know that He still loves me (and us) and has His plan in place. I don't know if God has said no or just not yet, but either way it is still so so hard. But, just as I take joy in seeing my children happy, so does God. He will never do anything to cause us harm. He has our best interest in mind.

The Need To Be Crushed

I was sitting outside today working in my garden. I picked another cucumber with much pride and joy. I then went to check on my basil. I plucked off one of the dried flowers and gave it a squeeze. Out popped several tiny seeds. I gathered a few and then took them into my husband to show off a great success. Not only had I managed to successfully grow my basil but also to propagate it for a new crop. Back out to the porch I went. Sitting with my handful of dried brittle flowers I began to crush each tiny flower to extract the 4-5 seeds nestled in each one. The wind is picking up and the hummingbirds buzzing and peeping overhead at the feeder are pretty much the only sounds. I enjoy this little bit of peace and quite. Then, while I'm harvesting my seeds the question returned to my mind; why does such a good God let people go through such horrible things? It really can not be answered by one answer but I held in my hand a visual of one of the reasons. We need to be crushed from time to time to bring forth our fruits. I would never be able to get the seeds out if I didn't crush the dried flowers. We come to places in our lives where we become dry and seemingly useless. But, God takes our tiny, fragile lives in His hands and begins to crush us. How painful the process is and how much we complain but in the end we have produced fruit that God can then plant and grow. I have had some crushing times in my life; some unavoidable some totally by my doing. For example, the miscarriages that I have gone through have been excruciating and how I fought and even cursed God for the pain that He kept allowing me to go through. But now, God has taken that in my life and has used it to plant new life into others. Seeing the seeds of my pain bring new life to others now brings me so much joy. Satan seeks to kill anything of good though. The crushing times that I have gone through due to my sin God does use to bring about good. Those seeds are wisdom that I have gained through my failings. However, Satan is right there to try and dig up those seeds as quickly as he can. It is painful to see my seeds killed. But, never-the-less some are sown on fertile ground and those make it all worth while.

So, next time you find yourself in a painful and trying situation, just try and see what God is trying to squeeze out of you. The reward in the end is well worth it.

Today's Life Lesson

In my garden and all through my yard, I have this one particular weed that just does not go away. I can tug and pull and strain and may break it; pulling it up is impossible. I just don't know how to get rid of it. It is covered in thorns and grows and twists all over everything; plants, the house, wires...everything.

Well, I had to take a walk through my Life Garden today and I have those same kind of weeds growing in there as well. I keep cutting it off at the surface but just can't seem to hit the roots to kill the whole weed. As long as it is there, it is going to continue to raise it's ugly, thorny self up and try to choke out the pretty plants around it.
I acted so un-Godly today. I allowed myself to say things that I have not said in quite some time. I was angry but far from sinning not. I've not mastered how to one, not let things get to me and then two, when they do to not sin when I am angry.

For some reason I keep measuring myself through the eyes of everyone else instead of through the eyes of God. What people say about me hurts and how people perceive me matter to much. I was telling a mom yesterday that situations change. It makes no since to do something permanent in response to something ever-changing. Well, the same goes for me; it makes no since to try and measure myself through the eyes of others when opinions of me change from one person to the next. I will never get an accurate assessment of who I really am that way. So, how do I measure myself through God's eyes when I can't see through His eyes. For now, all I can go on is what He has told me and what I am doing every day in response to that.
Last Mother's Day (not this past, but the one prior) I had a dream. It was one of those dreams that I felt so certain that it was from God but I wasn't sure. So, I prayed that morning that if it was from Him that He would confirm it and if not then for Him to let me forget it. Service that morning was identical to my dream. That was my confirmation. The message was about strong women vs. women of strength. We can be strong on the outside but have no strength with in us or in our spirits. God has a calling on my life and it will take me being a woman of strength to fulfill my calling. So, every day is a day to grow or to weaken. What makes me who I am is what I do with my day. I have grown so much since that time. I am not the woman that I was; not even 2 years ago. I have come through so much mud and so near death to now being a clean and vibrant woman.

Still, I let Satan suck energy and life from me every time I allow a weed to sprout back up and to grow. I continue to let the weight of the world smother me and distract me. It happens before I know it just like the weeds in my yard. One day my garden is clean and the next it is chok full and I'm left wondering where on Earth it all came from.
I know that I am a good woman; in many ways I've become a great woman. I am proud of the wife that I am and the mother that I am. I am not proud of every action and every word but in total I am amazed at where I am today. I am excited about where God will bring me in my future. Every day I have to choose to weed my garden. When I don't then I find myself in a mess with a lot of extra works and suffering to deal with. That is part of life though. Live and learn. Weed, weed, and weed some more.

So, first lesson is to stop measuring myself through the eyes of others and getting upset about what is said and done. Second lesson is when I am angry I am to sin not